R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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