He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
