I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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