I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
