morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Randomize
