The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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