so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize