Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
