Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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