Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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