I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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