Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
