i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
