it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
