I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
