I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
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