ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
So much rum. So many feels.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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