Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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