worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
