My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize