onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
