When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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