He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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