actually, I'm a sock model
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You pole danced in your parka.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
