my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
