My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
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