mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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