i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
