just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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