Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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