Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I wish you could order shots online.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
