omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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