Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
