im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
We need to rekindle our bromance
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
