i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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