I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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