I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
