Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
