also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
they call him Oral-B. enough said
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
