WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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