i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
What a fucking waste of an outfit
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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