I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
