the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
