okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
It's official drugs can't kill me
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
