worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
