I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
