I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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