I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Oh god it's open bar.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
