I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
