My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Randomize
