i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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