Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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