I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
