I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
