The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
pray to the hookup gods
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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