I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Randomize
