She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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