I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
