I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
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