That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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