Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
