rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
