I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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