apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I wish you could order shots online.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
