Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
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