Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize