how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
