my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
