i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
