I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize