I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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