so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
